So, last week I was in hospital. I overdosed on acetaminophen (tylenol), but I started having severe abdominal pain so I had to go by ambulance to the hospital. It's weird looking back on it.. It seems so surreal. I actually feel pretty stupid about it.. Like, i'm such a coward. If I really wanted to die, or had the guts to end my life, I would just put a bullet in my head or jump off a bridge or something.. and although I really don't think I would mind dying, I don't necessarily think i'm ready to completely give up yet.

But, only a few of my closest friends know.. I don't want it getting around. I don't need everyone's pity and concern. And I know that people will not look at me the same anymore.. I already feel like my parents look at me different. Really, I think the big thing wrong with me, like the MAIN underlying cause is my distorted body image. I literally can't stand what I'm seeing in the mirror right now.. ANd i'm back up to my all time highest weight.. 120. And I hate myself because of it. I've only been able to get to 112 but everytime I get there, I end up binging for days afterward and just end up undoing everything I had previously accomplished. I just can't wait to go to college.. It will be so much easier to control my weight.. what i'm planning on doing is using my meal allowance on diet coke and the like. And i'm not going to work out as often. I'll only work out on the days I eat. That way I can still ensure I stay on top of my school work and what not. However, I refuse to let the desire to be thin to keep me from having a social life. I'm soooo done with that. I let my eating disorder destroy my years in highschool and i'm done with that. But I truly believe that college will provide me with the environment to maintain a weight i'm comfortable with without completely isolating or goint the extreme with exercise. Though, I do hope that I can bring my weight down to 110 by the end of the summer. But at the rate i'm going now, i'll be lucky if I can stay at 120.

Ugh. I disgust myself. Why the fuck can't I stop eating!?!

I am so frustrated. I was ahead of schedule by almost 3 pounds and now i've blown it again. I can't keep doing this. I just want to be thin again. I spent all day out of the house only to come home and binge again.. And we're leaving for vacation in a few days and obviously I'll have to eat.

However, i've finally figured out my problem. I eat out of stress/emotional distress. I was getting ready to go to sleep when I found out that the college I most wanted to get into didn't offer me any sort of financial aid except for loans. SO basically, i'm stuck going to the ONE college I never wanted to go to in the first place. I was so upset so I went to the kitchen and binged. I'm disgusting. Grotesque. A pig and a slob. I hate myself. I want to die. WHy is this so hard this time!? I just want to get back to how I was last year. Last year I lost 20 pounds in about 2 months. I know I could do it again if I could just get over this hump. But I can't seem to do it because of all the stress college is causing me.

What's worse, I even went to my mom and TOLD her that I need help; that i'm cracking and that the pressure is just too much for me. And all she did was tell me that this is how life is. Wow. Gee thanks mom, the comfort and support is really appreciated. Not. Dammit I cried and cried after that. All I wanted was a hug, or reassurance that I CAN and WILL get through this. But instead I get just the bitter truth. I'm scared. I've felt so, hopeless lately.. Like I truly don't know how to cope through all this and i'm literally falling to pieces. I don't know what more I can do either... What else is there to do after specifically asking for help?? Is there no one who cares? Who sees the pain i'm feeling? The utter dispair and hopelessness? God, sometimes I just feel so alone.. and no one seems to care or understand. I know that there must be someone else out there who feels like I do.. But all I want now is to be loved. By someone. ANYONE. I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this before I end it.. I don't hate my life so much that I am currently planning on ending it, but i've thought about it in the past. And there is definitely nothing holding me back.. I think i've given up on trying to create a life for myself here. I've tried and each time i've failed. I just don't see the point in continuing to try. And especially now that my one hope of leaving here and starting off fresh has been taken away from me, I feel like i've lost any chance I had at a future.

Why doesn't anyone see that I am horribly screwed up!? That I hate myself with an all consuming intensity and that I CANNOT cope with the horrible demons that plague my mind. They attack me constantly; berating me and telling me that I will NEVER be good enough. But I just can't live with it much longer. If I have to deal with this the rest of my life, i'll end it myself. I doubt anyone even notices i've gone....

So last week I successfull only ate on 2 out of 7 days!! Woohoo!!! I was pretty much able to eat very very little during the whole trip so that made me feel really great. But then on Sunday night when we got back, instead of going straight to bed like I should have, I stayed up and ate and ate and ate and ate.. Then I ate a ton on Monday (no school cuz of MLK). Tuesday, I didn't eat all day and I went to the gym, but then I pigged out that night.. So I played sick the next day and had several binge/purge episodes throughout the day. I didn't go to school today either, but once again, I pigged out. Tho today wasn't nearly as bad, I still feel awful. Thankfully I didn't let myself throw up today.. And now I can't decide if I should attempt to go to school tomorrow or if I should play "sick" again.. I can't fathom going to school right now.. not with how totally disgusting I currently am.. I can't stand the thought of people looking at me and judging me.. Like, i'm soooo fat right now, it's really grotesque. I hate people looking at me. I just want to go back to being thin. I need to stop eating is all. But I keep binging all the freaking time, so all my hard work goes straight down the drain. Like, If I had just binged Sunday night and then gotten back on the band wagon the next day, everything would have been fine. But now, I've had to isolate at home, and only end up making things worse because i'm a fat arse who can't show even the slightest bit of self control. God I really hate myself right now.. I can't stand it. I really really can't...

What the hell is the point of not eating for 5 days only to go and totally undo it all the following week? I'm getting nowhere this way.. I need to go buy a digital scale is what I need to do. So I can start weighing myself more often. I think I can get one at Wal-Mart for around twenty bucks, so I'll probably go do that on Sunday or Monday... right now I still have to decide if i'm going to school tomorrow..I just don't know if I can have enough self control to stay at home right now... well, ttyl.

Here I am
This is my body
What is it you see?
Take a look at my hands
Knuckles covered in scars
My throat: red and raw
Sore, always sore.
My eyes, barely open
Lifeless and cold
And underneath, lay dark hallows
My skin feels and looks old
Hair, dry and limp
Nails brittle and chipped
Lips and fingers, a touch of light blue
My heart beats so slow
Barely audible against the roar
Of silence, so deafening,
It envelops my soul
And through static and numbness
My life is trapped in this strange mold.

A hunger, never satisfied
A thirst, never quenched
When all I seek is emptiness
How will I ever fill this void?
The desire, it consumes me
As my body consumes itself
For energy, I refuse to give it
Lest I strangle myself.

Ana, please sustain me,
And grant me thy peace
Help me combat gluttony
And let this sorrow finally cease.

Failed... Again

So, I actually did really well for the first part of the week; I didn't eat on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, and I didn't eat at all until 7 tonight.. So that's three whole days of not eating anything :) haha woohoo!! I haven't been able to go that long in months! But of course, I blew it. Again. I was just soooo exhausted all day! Like I seriously thought I was gonna pass out there for a little bit. It was a little scary, but also super exciting! I know.. that's really sick, but I can't help it. Starving is like.. a drug. You get this weird high from it that I can't explain. And it gives me hope that I can actually do it this time. I'm really hoping that I can not eat tomorrow or friday at least, and then that would mean that I only ate 2 out of 7 days this week! and then if I only eat on sunday and hopefull just one more day next week that I can keep up this schedule.. Yeah. I think eating 2 days a week is ok. I mean, that's 5000 calories (if my BMR is around 1000 minimum) defecit if I don't work out. So If I work out every day then I'll have an even greater defecit. I just have to make sure that I work out on the days that I eat also. Cuz those are the days that I totally binge and it's disgusting. I don't even want to THINK about how many calories I consumed tonight... 1000 at least :( gross... and I only burned around 600 at the gym.. So probably little to zero defecit. ANd it's really awful but all I can think about right now is throwing up. I've recently been doing it way more often than I should.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not trying to look down on anyone with bulimia or call it disgusting or anything. I'm just scared of it. I've heard so many awful stories about bulimics who have died of heart failure or ruptured esophaguses and the like.. and that scares me so bad because it was getting worse. Plus, I'm terrified of my mom finding out. I try to be careful, but it's hard to be quiet and clean up and leave no evidence... So i'm sitting here trying to suppress the urge to purge (ha that rhymes). Unfortunately, I did take some laxatives.. So, that makes me feel better, but who knows what that's going to do to my body either :( I'm just so scared right now.. sigh....

Also, I'm scared to death I... might be pregnant. Yes pregnant. So, I had sex with Marcus at the very end of October. I was on the pill, but he didn't use a condom. And.. well, I bled after that for about a week. I assumed that it was normal because it was my first time and it hurt like a bitch so... haha. But then the next week i KEPT bleeding. But I think that was my period. But then 3 weeks later I had another shorter period, which was really odd cuz I had had a normal period for several months prior to this (as opposed to previous years when my period was rarely around due to my ED). So it was almost like 3 periods in a month.. But then my period didn't come in December.. and it still hasn't come now in January.. Now there are 2 options. Either i'm losing weight so my period has once again stopped, OR i'm pregnant. I hope to God that it's just the anorexia, but honestly, I don't really believe it is. I mean, this week was honestly the first time that I've really been able to get my weight down this far in awhile.. So it totally doesn't make sense. I'm waaay too fat right now to stop having a period.

Other symptoms: I've been REALLY tired lately, to the point where I've been taking NAPS. I NEVER take naps. I was also feeling nausea in the morning a few times. It wasn't every morning tho so that could be a number of things.. I had headaches for awhile.. I think that's it though, but i'm honestly not even sure what else to look for.. So... And I took a pregnancy quiz online and I got a 50% so my results said "probably pregnant". But i'm too scared to take a pregnancy test. Also, I don't even know where to get one or how much they are. And i'm pretty much completely broke right now, so... Like, I went to walmart and smith's and tried to find one but I don't know where they are located in the store, or if I need to get it over the counter.. How embarassing to have to ASK for one. I know I just need to do it and save myself more anguish, but i'm scared to death to do it.

And what if I am pregnant? What then? Will I have to tell Marcus? Probably.. And what will I do about the baby? Will I keep it? I already made the mistake of having sex with him in the first place, so will I make another, even worse mistake and abort the baby? I don't think I could live with myself if I did that.. but if I kept it... then my life would REALLY be over. My parents would be sooooo disappointed.. and they would never treat me the same again.. the baby would be here before I would have to leave for college, but would I be emotionally stable enough leave after an ordeal like that? And what the hell would I do with the baby once it got here? I know I could never raise a child on my own.. At least, I know I wouldn't be able to give it everything that it needs... but adoption just sounds so... so awful.. what if my child were put in an awful home? How could I live with that? And would that child grow up to believe that I didn't want him/her? Or believe that they were worthless or simply unwanted?

And what about Marcus? We didn't end on anything NEAR a good note.. in fact, i'm quite sure that he hates me. I don't really blame him.. of course, I don't particularly like him much anymore either. So to bring him back into my life just as the rest of my life is only JUST finally starting to follow a semi-distinguishable path again would be.. completely awful.. I don't want anything more to do with him. And honestly, if I told him, i'm pretty sure all he would be able to think about, or all he would want, would be for me to get rid of it; one way or another. After all, this could very well ruin HIS life too. Like, if I kept it, he would have to pay child support. And there's no way he could do that right now while going to college. So he'll just hate me even more.. Sigh, I just need the stupid pregnancy test.. I wonder how far along you have to be in order to start showing..?

So school started last week. It's been pretty good so far though. I haven't had too much homework yet and I've been staying on top of everything. Unfortunately, i've been eating like a pig. I've also been working out like a maniac, so that's the only reason my weight hasn't gone up. But I did amazing and didn't eat anything (at all!) yesterday, and I still woke up at 114lbs. And I was so angry because I feel thinner! My stomach looks flatter and my ribs are very defined.. but I guess it's not enough.. I think i've gained too much muscle, so it's making the scale show a higher number.. I know that muscle is waaay better than fat, but I don't want muscle either. I just want skin and bone, with only a little bit of muscle. I just want to be thin dammit. :/ But I don't know how I can lose the muscle mass without gaining weight. because if i stop exercising, I won't burn off the calories and i'll gain weight :( i'm stuck in this cycle of eating a ton and then working out a ton.. I feel really trapped.

I didn't go to the gym today, and I haven't eaten anything either... I'm just trying to hold out til breakfast, but i'm not sure if I can do it. I really want to.. I don't like being fat. I just want to get back to between 105 and 110. If I could get down to that and maintain within that range, I would be much happier. I'm so worried though because I am going on a trip next weekend with my youth group and I'll have to eat all fucking weekend. I don't want to though :( But i've recently been doing better about not eating very much when we go to restaurants, so i'm hoping I can keep that resolve this weekend. The one good thing about this weekend is that I won't be able to binge on snack food or have any late night food freak outs. So as long as I limit myself as much as possible at the meals, I'll be ok. And my new year's resolution this year was to give up meat, so i'm a vegetarian. I've actually been doing really well so far. No meet for almost a month now, and I'm determined to give it up forever. It's a good excuse to only eat vegetables or get out of eating alot. Plus, i've never really been a huge fan of meat in the first place, so it really isn't that big of a deal..

Anyway, I need to lose as much weight as possible by this weekend, in preparation for all the food i'll be forced to eat.. I really do hate this crap I put myself through. Anyone else would just be completely excited to be going on this trip, but not me. I'm dreading the fact that I'll come back waay fatter than I already am. And i'm also scared because I'm sure i'll binge before the week is over and I'll just end up even fatter.

Intellectually, I know that if I just ate a normal, well balanced, healthy diet, I would probably still be able to remain thin and lose weight. But food terrifies me. Eating that much.. it's disgusting. And if i'm not hungry, I feel vile and worthless.. like i'm not worthy because i'm so gluttonous. I know that I should look at food as fuel for my body.. I don't always want to die. Alot of times I do. But it seems like i'm also starting to enjoy life a little more.. But ana is still holding me back from enjoying it fully.

Well, it's after Christmas.. and honestly, it wasn't the best. My dad worked the whole weekend, my aunt wasn't able to come over, my grandma only stayed for about an hour.. all in all it sucked. It wouldn't really be so bad if this weren't my last Christmas. But after this year, this won't ever really be my home anymore.. at least it won't feel like it will. I'll only be living here during winter break and summer and... it just won't ever be the same again. It's so sad to think about... I feel a little like my life is over. I know i'm just being dramatic but still.. this part of my life really is about to end and it really makes me sad sometimes.. but then the rest of the time I just can't wait to get out of here... god this sucks. I don't even know what I want anymore...

Also, my eating has been completely awful.. I'm so fat it's disgusting. I need school to start so I'm not constantly tempted. Plus, for some reason, I always do better in the second semester of school. Don't know why, but I just do. Last year I got down to 100 pounds. God how I just want to get back to that now.. sigh... I don't know why this time is so hard..