So, last week I was in hospital. I overdosed on acetaminophen (tylenol), but I started having severe abdominal pain so I had to go by ambulance to the hospital. It's weird looking back on it.. It seems so surreal. I actually feel pretty stupid about it.. Like, i'm such a coward. If I really wanted to die, or had the guts to end my life, I would just put a bullet in my head or jump off a bridge or something.. and although I really don't think I would mind dying, I don't necessarily think i'm ready to completely give up yet.

But, only a few of my closest friends know.. I don't want it getting around. I don't need everyone's pity and concern. And I know that people will not look at me the same anymore.. I already feel like my parents look at me different. Really, I think the big thing wrong with me, like the MAIN underlying cause is my distorted body image. I literally can't stand what I'm seeing in the mirror right now.. ANd i'm back up to my all time highest weight.. 120. And I hate myself because of it. I've only been able to get to 112 but everytime I get there, I end up binging for days afterward and just end up undoing everything I had previously accomplished. I just can't wait to go to college.. It will be so much easier to control my weight.. what i'm planning on doing is using my meal allowance on diet coke and the like. And i'm not going to work out as often. I'll only work out on the days I eat. That way I can still ensure I stay on top of my school work and what not. However, I refuse to let the desire to be thin to keep me from having a social life. I'm soooo done with that. I let my eating disorder destroy my years in highschool and i'm done with that. But I truly believe that college will provide me with the environment to maintain a weight i'm comfortable with without completely isolating or goint the extreme with exercise. Though, I do hope that I can bring my weight down to 110 by the end of the summer. But at the rate i'm going now, i'll be lucky if I can stay at 120.

Ugh. I disgust myself. Why the fuck can't I stop eating!?!