I am so frustrated. I was ahead of schedule by almost 3 pounds and now i've blown it again. I can't keep doing this. I just want to be thin again. I spent all day out of the house only to come home and binge again.. And we're leaving for vacation in a few days and obviously I'll have to eat.

However, i've finally figured out my problem. I eat out of stress/emotional distress. I was getting ready to go to sleep when I found out that the college I most wanted to get into didn't offer me any sort of financial aid except for loans. SO basically, i'm stuck going to the ONE college I never wanted to go to in the first place. I was so upset so I went to the kitchen and binged. I'm disgusting. Grotesque. A pig and a slob. I hate myself. I want to die. WHy is this so hard this time!? I just want to get back to how I was last year. Last year I lost 20 pounds in about 2 months. I know I could do it again if I could just get over this hump. But I can't seem to do it because of all the stress college is causing me.

What's worse, I even went to my mom and TOLD her that I need help; that i'm cracking and that the pressure is just too much for me. And all she did was tell me that this is how life is. Wow. Gee thanks mom, the comfort and support is really appreciated. Not. Dammit I cried and cried after that. All I wanted was a hug, or reassurance that I CAN and WILL get through this. But instead I get just the bitter truth. I'm scared. I've felt so, hopeless lately.. Like I truly don't know how to cope through all this and i'm literally falling to pieces. I don't know what more I can do either... What else is there to do after specifically asking for help?? Is there no one who cares? Who sees the pain i'm feeling? The utter dispair and hopelessness? God, sometimes I just feel so alone.. and no one seems to care or understand. I know that there must be someone else out there who feels like I do.. But all I want now is to be loved. By someone. ANYONE. I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this before I end it.. I don't hate my life so much that I am currently planning on ending it, but i've thought about it in the past. And there is definitely nothing holding me back.. I think i've given up on trying to create a life for myself here. I've tried and each time i've failed. I just don't see the point in continuing to try. And especially now that my one hope of leaving here and starting off fresh has been taken away from me, I feel like i've lost any chance I had at a future.

Why doesn't anyone see that I am horribly screwed up!? That I hate myself with an all consuming intensity and that I CANNOT cope with the horrible demons that plague my mind. They attack me constantly; berating me and telling me that I will NEVER be good enough. But I just can't live with it much longer. If I have to deal with this the rest of my life, i'll end it myself. I doubt anyone even notices i've gone....