Here I am
This is my body
What is it you see?
Take a look at my hands
Knuckles covered in scars
My throat: red and raw
Sore, always sore.
My eyes, barely open
Lifeless and cold
And underneath, lay dark hallows
My skin feels and looks old
Hair, dry and limp
Nails brittle and chipped
Lips and fingers, a touch of light blue
My heart beats so slow
Barely audible against the roar
Of silence, so deafening,
It envelops my soul
And through static and numbness
My life is trapped in this strange mold.

A hunger, never satisfied
A thirst, never quenched
When all I seek is emptiness
How will I ever fill this void?
The desire, it consumes me
As my body consumes itself
For energy, I refuse to give it
Lest I strangle myself.

Ana, please sustain me,
And grant me thy peace
Help me combat gluttony
And let this sorrow finally cease.

My Plan of Action

So I've been here in my room all morning. Unfortunately while my parents were out, I ate. But I think it was around 500 calories so.. not too too bad I guess.. That is, as long as I don't leave my room again for the rest of the day. I hope they all leave at some point, just for a little while at least so I can exercise some.. I feel too jumpy and I need to do some cardio of some kind. I went on the exercise bike for fifteen minutes but that only burnt about 100 calories so I still need to go through another 400 at least... I had planned on "playing sick" again tomorrow also, but now I really don't think I will. It's too boring here and I need to exercise! It's killing me...j

But I think the fact that I haven't been exercising so far is good. My body has become used to the workouts i've been doing, so they aren't yielding the same weight loss results as in the past.. Granted, i've also been eating waaaay more than I should, so I guess it's understandable.. It just really really sucks because I work so hard only to stay stuck at this same weight? Logically, in my mind I know that if I just ate healthily and worked out moderately, I would lose the weight. But I can't bring myself to do it. Just the idea of eating three meals a day like any other person.. it totally freaks me out... even though i've been eating way too much anyway.. My problem is that I binge. I work out for hours and then i'm so ravenous by the end of the day that I just can't help myself.

I need to find a balance of working out moderately and not eating. I just need to burn more than i'm eating. So I think i'm going to work on eating no more than 500 calories a day, and then burning at least 800. My base metabolic rate (BMR) is supposedly around 1000-1200 calories. So as long as I burn the 800 and don't go over my calorie budget of 500 calories, I'll have a 1300 calorie defecit a day. Which would amount to around three pounds lost a week. That would be reasonable I think. I just have to stick to that... Ugh this is so hard. It's so nice and comforting to sit here and have a simple plan to follow; but then I actually try and do it and I always fail miserably :( My main problem is binging at night. I can usually keep myself busy or out of the house for most of the day, but then i'll come home at night and I go on a total food freakout and it's like i'm not even controlling my body anymore. I hate it. I hate this cycle i'm trapped in.

Ok so this is what i'm going to do. I will burn at least 800 calories everyday. And since it's winter break, I am going to try swimming and spinning with my mom, to break up my normal routine. And I will stay out of the house as much as possible. But what i'm going to change is that I will start eating dinner with my family. And then I will spend the remainder of the evening with them, that way I will not be able to binge. I will just have to force myself to go to bed when everyone else does though. I think alot of my mother's meals are around 500 calories, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Hopefully this plan will also keep my metabolism from totally crashing as well. And if my mom makes something too fattening or whatever, i'll just make myself a meal, but still eat with the rest of the family. Plus, this plan will keep my parents off my back about not eating. I just have to be very careful to follow this plan to a "T"...

I'm scared.. But I know I can do it. I just have to burn off another 400 calories today without my parents noticing and i'll still have a 1000 calorie defecit for the day.. Ugh.. why is life so complicated?

So, today begins my journey to thinness. Day one of weight loss and already i'm struggling. But I know I can do it. Last week, I ate barely anything for four straight days, but then on sunday, we went with some friends to look for a Christmas tree out in the woods, and of course, we had to eat. I ate half of an omelet and a muffin for breakfast.. and I would have been ok if I had just stopped there, but when we got home, I went crazy. I stuffed myself. And I just felt sick. I pretty much undid everything I had accomplished the previous week. And the rest of the week went the same way. I just kept craving fatty, sugary foods and I felt totally out of control. SO here I am a week later and I can't even get myself to step on the scale. I know the number will be awful. And the worst part is that I've threw up twice this week. I hate that. I hate feeling so disgustingly full that I have to make myself sick to feel ok again. And what's worse is that I'm getting better at it. I can do it almost silently now. I never wanted to become a bulimic. I'm not trying to look down on bulimia or anything, but honestly, it scares me. I've had friends who've almost died from heart failure or ruptured esophogus. And that really isnt how i want to go. And besides, it hurts to make myself sick. I'd really rather just starve. So for the next two days i'm going to pretend I have the flu and just STAY IN MY ROOM. And it sucks so bad because I was supposed to go to a Christmas party tomorrow night, but now I can't because i'm too fat and I just can't allow myself to consume anymore food... I had told myself that if I didn't eat during finals that I would be allowed to go, but now I can't.. this stupid disease is controlling my life..

And on top of it all, we're going to go visit my uncle next Sunday, and of course, we'll be gone for about four days, so who knows how much weight i'll gain during that time. That's why I have to lock myself in my room for the next two days so I can detox from sugar and carbs and just get back on track already... I have to lose as much as possible by the time we leave so i'm not completely grotesque by the time school starts back up again... God, fuck my life.