My Plan of Action

So I've been here in my room all morning. Unfortunately while my parents were out, I ate. But I think it was around 500 calories so.. not too too bad I guess.. That is, as long as I don't leave my room again for the rest of the day. I hope they all leave at some point, just for a little while at least so I can exercise some.. I feel too jumpy and I need to do some cardio of some kind. I went on the exercise bike for fifteen minutes but that only burnt about 100 calories so I still need to go through another 400 at least... I had planned on "playing sick" again tomorrow also, but now I really don't think I will. It's too boring here and I need to exercise! It's killing me...j

But I think the fact that I haven't been exercising so far is good. My body has become used to the workouts i've been doing, so they aren't yielding the same weight loss results as in the past.. Granted, i've also been eating waaaay more than I should, so I guess it's understandable.. It just really really sucks because I work so hard only to stay stuck at this same weight? Logically, in my mind I know that if I just ate healthily and worked out moderately, I would lose the weight. But I can't bring myself to do it. Just the idea of eating three meals a day like any other person.. it totally freaks me out... even though i've been eating way too much anyway.. My problem is that I binge. I work out for hours and then i'm so ravenous by the end of the day that I just can't help myself.

I need to find a balance of working out moderately and not eating. I just need to burn more than i'm eating. So I think i'm going to work on eating no more than 500 calories a day, and then burning at least 800. My base metabolic rate (BMR) is supposedly around 1000-1200 calories. So as long as I burn the 800 and don't go over my calorie budget of 500 calories, I'll have a 1300 calorie defecit a day. Which would amount to around three pounds lost a week. That would be reasonable I think. I just have to stick to that... Ugh this is so hard. It's so nice and comforting to sit here and have a simple plan to follow; but then I actually try and do it and I always fail miserably :( My main problem is binging at night. I can usually keep myself busy or out of the house for most of the day, but then i'll come home at night and I go on a total food freakout and it's like i'm not even controlling my body anymore. I hate it. I hate this cycle i'm trapped in.

Ok so this is what i'm going to do. I will burn at least 800 calories everyday. And since it's winter break, I am going to try swimming and spinning with my mom, to break up my normal routine. And I will stay out of the house as much as possible. But what i'm going to change is that I will start eating dinner with my family. And then I will spend the remainder of the evening with them, that way I will not be able to binge. I will just have to force myself to go to bed when everyone else does though. I think alot of my mother's meals are around 500 calories, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Hopefully this plan will also keep my metabolism from totally crashing as well. And if my mom makes something too fattening or whatever, i'll just make myself a meal, but still eat with the rest of the family. Plus, this plan will keep my parents off my back about not eating. I just have to be very careful to follow this plan to a "T"...

I'm scared.. But I know I can do it. I just have to burn off another 400 calories today without my parents noticing and i'll still have a 1000 calorie defecit for the day.. Ugh.. why is life so complicated?