So, today begins my journey to thinness. Day one of weight loss and already i'm struggling. But I know I can do it. Last week, I ate barely anything for four straight days, but then on sunday, we went with some friends to look for a Christmas tree out in the woods, and of course, we had to eat. I ate half of an omelet and a muffin for breakfast.. and I would have been ok if I had just stopped there, but when we got home, I went crazy. I stuffed myself. And I just felt sick. I pretty much undid everything I had accomplished the previous week. And the rest of the week went the same way. I just kept craving fatty, sugary foods and I felt totally out of control. SO here I am a week later and I can't even get myself to step on the scale. I know the number will be awful. And the worst part is that I've threw up twice this week. I hate that. I hate feeling so disgustingly full that I have to make myself sick to feel ok again. And what's worse is that I'm getting better at it. I can do it almost silently now. I never wanted to become a bulimic. I'm not trying to look down on bulimia or anything, but honestly, it scares me. I've had friends who've almost died from heart failure or ruptured esophogus. And that really isnt how i want to go. And besides, it hurts to make myself sick. I'd really rather just starve. So for the next two days i'm going to pretend I have the flu and just STAY IN MY ROOM. And it sucks so bad because I was supposed to go to a Christmas party tomorrow night, but now I can't because i'm too fat and I just can't allow myself to consume anymore food... I had told myself that if I didn't eat during finals that I would be allowed to go, but now I can't.. this stupid disease is controlling my life..

And on top of it all, we're going to go visit my uncle next Sunday, and of course, we'll be gone for about four days, so who knows how much weight i'll gain during that time. That's why I have to lock myself in my room for the next two days so I can detox from sugar and carbs and just get back on track already... I have to lose as much as possible by the time we leave so i'm not completely grotesque by the time school starts back up again... God, fuck my life.