Hello!
So, I created this blog a long time ago, but hopefully now i'll actually be able to start posting consistantly.

Man.. Where to start? Well, this week is finals week and i'm writing my blog instead of studying.. Says alot about my work ethic I guess. But actually, I am usually a very good student. I'm definitely a perfectionist, which, I guess adds even more to my predisposition to expect perfection in every aspect of my life.. and that includes anorexia.

I've been struggling alot this year. At the end of May this year, I was down to 100 pounds, which was the lowest i'd been in over a year. However, over the summer I gained around eight pounds.. It's not like I had given up the anorexia.. I never wanted to. I enjoyed being thin and seeing bones and having people ask if I was alright.. But I met a boy. Let's call him Marcus. Marcus was a year older than me in school (though only 2 months older than me biologically) and we only had one class together. I had had a crush on him the entire year. He rode a motorcycle, he was smart, funny, artistic and dangerous.. and incredible hot. But it was only a crush, so I never pursued it. In fact, you could almost say I ignored him. He would sometimes try to talk to me but I always kept the conversations short and to the point. Afterall, why would a cool, hot, popular senior boy want to talk to a lowly junior? I knew it was a lost cause so I kept my wall up and just focused on me.

Finally during the last month of school (when I was hovering between 100 and 105 pounds), we began to really talk. We worked on a project together and he definitely showed an interest, which I still don't understand. He wanted to go out for coffee, and I pretty much kept putting it off. Even when I didn't text him back for a week, he was persistant and still wanted to hang out, so I finally decided to give him a chance...

I was so nervous before the date.. He was picking me up, but I was totally freaking out that we would have nothing to talk about or that it would just be totally awkward.. Or even worse, that I would end up liking him but he wouldn't like me... So I told him I had to be home by 10:30; just in case. So he took me for coffee, and then to this beautiful park on a hill where we could see the entire city.. It was gorgeous, and I had a great time. We just.. clicked.

I didn't see him for a few weeks after that, but we ended up hanging out again. And again. And again.. And there was never a time that we hung out when I didn't have a completely amazing time. I liked him alot.. and, stupid me, I believed that he liked me too. After the first few times we hung out, we began holding hands, and then he kissed me.. he took me for motorcycle rides, he invited me to his house.. I met his mom..

I had the best summer of my life. And for some reason, my weight became, insignificant.. Never before had I met a person that I actually WANTED to be better for.. Even with my first love, (we'll call him Shane), I was never able to even attempt to give up the disease.. But with Marcus it was different.. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be able to give him everything.. I wasn't able to completely, but at the very least, it wasn't in complete control of my life..

To be continued