What a GREAT way to start my senior year, right? All the plans, dreams, hopes and desires I had were flushed down the drain with one phone call. Honestly, I had never been more devastated. I really thought this guy liked me, and then he did THIS. I couldn't even began to fathom it.. And, stupid STUPID girl that I was, I still wanted to be with him.. and although a bunch of drama followed, and although he treated me like dirt.. like the backup, I still clung to the hope that he would change his mind and choose me.
So, slowly, the first two months of school dragged by.. I wasn't happy, by ANY means. In fact, I know I was barely making it through.. It was so hard for me to stay motivated to do anything. I was so depressed, and so...apathetic. I think it was the apathy that truly made those first few months truly unbearable. I had no desire to live. At all. I didn't care about my grades. I didn't care about my friends. I didn't care about myself. All I wanted was to disappear.. But the worst part was that I couldn't even bring myself to starve.
Anorexia has always been my way out.. It's my wall of protection; my fortress. It keeps me safe and offers a way of escape.. But instead of starving in the face of my pain, I ate. And ate and ate and ate. I thought that maybe it would be worth it to try to just be normal.. to eat a healthy diet and give up the eating disorder once and for all. I actually thought I could do it.. Ha! What a fool. I was naive enough to believe that I would be able to give up this disease that has plagued me since I was in eighth grade!? Yeah fucking right! I grew so disgusted with myself and my body that I was drowning. Literally DROWNING in hatred for who I had allowed myself to become. A fat slob. A pathetic, desperate low life who didn't deserve to live.
And that's when Marcus came back, and played his best cards to win me back. O how he swooned me with words of regret and pity. He swore he could change and that he just needed a chance to prove it. He promised me the stars, and once again, I believed it. I let him back in, with barely a second thought.
Looking back, I think letting him have that second chance, really was what I needed.. However misguided and naive the decision was, it was something that I had to go through.. I needed to see the relationship all the way through.. to see what could have been. And, honestly, the whole experience has truly changed me. As you could probably tell, it didn't work out between Marcus and I. But now I can finally see all the mistakes I made.. and all of the lies I so blindly believed. Marcus's true colors were finally revealed, and I truly had to see that in order to completely let him go.
I've grown so much as a person. Even just looking at old pictures of myself from this past summer, I totally can't even recognize the person staring back at me.. Even when I had Marcus, I wasn't truly happy. I wasn't truly living. But when he betrayed me the way that he did; when he tore out my heart and spit on everything I had given him, it was only the catalyst that set everything in motion. The rift I found in my life had been festering and growing for months.. But it only took one stupid boy to get me to finally see it.
After Marcus and I were finally finished; and I mean finished, I was actually ok.. I didn't freak out or get super depressed or just give up like I had back in August. Sure, I wasn't happy about it, but I finally saw what a COMPLETE asshole he was, and I the anger I felt towards him is what truly severed every emotional tie that held me to him. I think I'm a much stronger person now. Or at the very least, I'm not as naive and inexperienced. I made a TON of mistakes during this whole experience.. I told so many lies, created enemies, lost friends.. Right now, i'm just trying to rebuild my life. Or at least come back to a place where i'm able to function. I've been focusing alot on myself, but i've also been trying to hang out with some healthier people.. or at least people who have some backbone and at least SOME credibility.
I think my biggest problem right now, is that i've become incredible guarded.. I suppose it's fairly reasonable after all the lies and manipulation from my relationship with Marcus. But, it's like, I have very little faith in people in general.. I've been screwed over by so many people in my life.. Even the ones who claimed to always be there, to always love you and never hurt you.. Well, my friends, my family, my relationships.. they've all left me with nothing.. nothing but scars. I've always been a very forgiving and trusting person.. but I just can't even fathom being able to do that anymore..
You know the one thing I want out of life? It isn't money, it isn't stuff.. I know none of that will ever bring true happiness.. all I want is to find that ONE person who will accept me for who I am.. all my flaws, quirks and problems.. and just love me. That's all I want. I'm just starting to wonder if that person is even out there for me. I know i'm young. I have alot of life ahead of me.. but, it's hard when you have friends left and right already in steady relationships, or even already starting families.. I want that. I want a family and a life with the one person who makes me happy. But is that guy out there? I know that now, after all i've been through, he's gonna have to be one heck of persistent guy. With lots of patience and determination.. and he better be up for one HECK of a challenge.. Cuz he's gonna have to dig through alot of shit to figure me out.. But hey, maybe that's what I need to do. It's time for me to stop chasing, and finallly let someone chase after me.
No comments:
Post a Comment