Failed... Again

So, I actually did really well for the first part of the week; I didn't eat on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, and I didn't eat at all until 7 tonight.. So that's three whole days of not eating anything :) haha woohoo!! I haven't been able to go that long in months! But of course, I blew it. Again. I was just soooo exhausted all day! Like I seriously thought I was gonna pass out there for a little bit. It was a little scary, but also super exciting! I know.. that's really sick, but I can't help it. Starving is like.. a drug. You get this weird high from it that I can't explain. And it gives me hope that I can actually do it this time. I'm really hoping that I can not eat tomorrow or friday at least, and then that would mean that I only ate 2 out of 7 days this week! and then if I only eat on sunday and hopefull just one more day next week that I can keep up this schedule.. Yeah. I think eating 2 days a week is ok. I mean, that's 5000 calories (if my BMR is around 1000 minimum) defecit if I don't work out. So If I work out every day then I'll have an even greater defecit. I just have to make sure that I work out on the days that I eat also. Cuz those are the days that I totally binge and it's disgusting. I don't even want to THINK about how many calories I consumed tonight... 1000 at least :( gross... and I only burned around 600 at the gym.. So probably little to zero defecit. ANd it's really awful but all I can think about right now is throwing up. I've recently been doing it way more often than I should.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not trying to look down on anyone with bulimia or call it disgusting or anything. I'm just scared of it. I've heard so many awful stories about bulimics who have died of heart failure or ruptured esophaguses and the like.. and that scares me so bad because it was getting worse. Plus, I'm terrified of my mom finding out. I try to be careful, but it's hard to be quiet and clean up and leave no evidence... So i'm sitting here trying to suppress the urge to purge (ha that rhymes). Unfortunately, I did take some laxatives.. So, that makes me feel better, but who knows what that's going to do to my body either :( I'm just so scared right now.. sigh....

Also, I'm scared to death I... might be pregnant. Yes pregnant. So, I had sex with Marcus at the very end of October. I was on the pill, but he didn't use a condom. And.. well, I bled after that for about a week. I assumed that it was normal because it was my first time and it hurt like a bitch so... haha. But then the next week i KEPT bleeding. But I think that was my period. But then 3 weeks later I had another shorter period, which was really odd cuz I had had a normal period for several months prior to this (as opposed to previous years when my period was rarely around due to my ED). So it was almost like 3 periods in a month.. But then my period didn't come in December.. and it still hasn't come now in January.. Now there are 2 options. Either i'm losing weight so my period has once again stopped, OR i'm pregnant. I hope to God that it's just the anorexia, but honestly, I don't really believe it is. I mean, this week was honestly the first time that I've really been able to get my weight down this far in awhile.. So it totally doesn't make sense. I'm waaay too fat right now to stop having a period.

Other symptoms: I've been REALLY tired lately, to the point where I've been taking NAPS. I NEVER take naps. I was also feeling nausea in the morning a few times. It wasn't every morning tho so that could be a number of things.. I had headaches for awhile.. I think that's it though, but i'm honestly not even sure what else to look for.. So... And I took a pregnancy quiz online and I got a 50% so my results said "probably pregnant". But i'm too scared to take a pregnancy test. Also, I don't even know where to get one or how much they are. And i'm pretty much completely broke right now, so... Like, I went to walmart and smith's and tried to find one but I don't know where they are located in the store, or if I need to get it over the counter.. How embarassing to have to ASK for one. I know I just need to do it and save myself more anguish, but i'm scared to death to do it.

And what if I am pregnant? What then? Will I have to tell Marcus? Probably.. And what will I do about the baby? Will I keep it? I already made the mistake of having sex with him in the first place, so will I make another, even worse mistake and abort the baby? I don't think I could live with myself if I did that.. but if I kept it... then my life would REALLY be over. My parents would be sooooo disappointed.. and they would never treat me the same again.. the baby would be here before I would have to leave for college, but would I be emotionally stable enough leave after an ordeal like that? And what the hell would I do with the baby once it got here? I know I could never raise a child on my own.. At least, I know I wouldn't be able to give it everything that it needs... but adoption just sounds so... so awful.. what if my child were put in an awful home? How could I live with that? And would that child grow up to believe that I didn't want him/her? Or believe that they were worthless or simply unwanted?

And what about Marcus? We didn't end on anything NEAR a good note.. in fact, i'm quite sure that he hates me. I don't really blame him.. of course, I don't particularly like him much anymore either. So to bring him back into my life just as the rest of my life is only JUST finally starting to follow a semi-distinguishable path again would be.. completely awful.. I don't want anything more to do with him. And honestly, if I told him, i'm pretty sure all he would be able to think about, or all he would want, would be for me to get rid of it; one way or another. After all, this could very well ruin HIS life too. Like, if I kept it, he would have to pay child support. And there's no way he could do that right now while going to college. So he'll just hate me even more.. Sigh, I just need the stupid pregnancy test.. I wonder how far along you have to be in order to start showing..?