So school started last week. It's been pretty good so far though. I haven't had too much homework yet and I've been staying on top of everything. Unfortunately, i've been eating like a pig. I've also been working out like a maniac, so that's the only reason my weight hasn't gone up. But I did amazing and didn't eat anything (at all!) yesterday, and I still woke up at 114lbs. And I was so angry because I feel thinner! My stomach looks flatter and my ribs are very defined.. but I guess it's not enough.. I think i've gained too much muscle, so it's making the scale show a higher number.. I know that muscle is waaay better than fat, but I don't want muscle either. I just want skin and bone, with only a little bit of muscle. I just want to be thin dammit. :/ But I don't know how I can lose the muscle mass without gaining weight. because if i stop exercising, I won't burn off the calories and i'll gain weight :( i'm stuck in this cycle of eating a ton and then working out a ton.. I feel really trapped.

I didn't go to the gym today, and I haven't eaten anything either... I'm just trying to hold out til breakfast, but i'm not sure if I can do it. I really want to.. I don't like being fat. I just want to get back to between 105 and 110. If I could get down to that and maintain within that range, I would be much happier. I'm so worried though because I am going on a trip next weekend with my youth group and I'll have to eat all fucking weekend. I don't want to though :( But i've recently been doing better about not eating very much when we go to restaurants, so i'm hoping I can keep that resolve this weekend. The one good thing about this weekend is that I won't be able to binge on snack food or have any late night food freak outs. So as long as I limit myself as much as possible at the meals, I'll be ok. And my new year's resolution this year was to give up meat, so i'm a vegetarian. I've actually been doing really well so far. No meet for almost a month now, and I'm determined to give it up forever. It's a good excuse to only eat vegetables or get out of eating alot. Plus, i've never really been a huge fan of meat in the first place, so it really isn't that big of a deal..

Anyway, I need to lose as much weight as possible by this weekend, in preparation for all the food i'll be forced to eat.. I really do hate this crap I put myself through. Anyone else would just be completely excited to be going on this trip, but not me. I'm dreading the fact that I'll come back waay fatter than I already am. And i'm also scared because I'm sure i'll binge before the week is over and I'll just end up even fatter.

Intellectually, I know that if I just ate a normal, well balanced, healthy diet, I would probably still be able to remain thin and lose weight. But food terrifies me. Eating that much.. it's disgusting. And if i'm not hungry, I feel vile and worthless.. like i'm not worthy because i'm so gluttonous. I know that I should look at food as fuel for my body.. I don't always want to die. Alot of times I do. But it seems like i'm also starting to enjoy life a little more.. But ana is still holding me back from enjoying it fully.