Well, it's after Christmas.. and honestly, it wasn't the best. My dad worked the whole weekend, my aunt wasn't able to come over, my grandma only stayed for about an hour.. all in all it sucked. It wouldn't really be so bad if this weren't my last Christmas. But after this year, this won't ever really be my home anymore.. at least it won't feel like it will. I'll only be living here during winter break and summer and... it just won't ever be the same again. It's so sad to think about... I feel a little like my life is over. I know i'm just being dramatic but still.. this part of my life really is about to end and it really makes me sad sometimes.. but then the rest of the time I just can't wait to get out of here... god this sucks. I don't even know what I want anymore...

Also, my eating has been completely awful.. I'm so fat it's disgusting. I need school to start so I'm not constantly tempted. Plus, for some reason, I always do better in the second semester of school. Don't know why, but I just do. Last year I got down to 100 pounds. God how I just want to get back to that now.. sigh... I don't know why this time is so hard..

My Plan of Action

So I've been here in my room all morning. Unfortunately while my parents were out, I ate. But I think it was around 500 calories so.. not too too bad I guess.. That is, as long as I don't leave my room again for the rest of the day. I hope they all leave at some point, just for a little while at least so I can exercise some.. I feel too jumpy and I need to do some cardio of some kind. I went on the exercise bike for fifteen minutes but that only burnt about 100 calories so I still need to go through another 400 at least... I had planned on "playing sick" again tomorrow also, but now I really don't think I will. It's too boring here and I need to exercise! It's killing me...j

But I think the fact that I haven't been exercising so far is good. My body has become used to the workouts i've been doing, so they aren't yielding the same weight loss results as in the past.. Granted, i've also been eating waaaay more than I should, so I guess it's understandable.. It just really really sucks because I work so hard only to stay stuck at this same weight? Logically, in my mind I know that if I just ate healthily and worked out moderately, I would lose the weight. But I can't bring myself to do it. Just the idea of eating three meals a day like any other person.. it totally freaks me out... even though i've been eating way too much anyway.. My problem is that I binge. I work out for hours and then i'm so ravenous by the end of the day that I just can't help myself.

I need to find a balance of working out moderately and not eating. I just need to burn more than i'm eating. So I think i'm going to work on eating no more than 500 calories a day, and then burning at least 800. My base metabolic rate (BMR) is supposedly around 1000-1200 calories. So as long as I burn the 800 and don't go over my calorie budget of 500 calories, I'll have a 1300 calorie defecit a day. Which would amount to around three pounds lost a week. That would be reasonable I think. I just have to stick to that... Ugh this is so hard. It's so nice and comforting to sit here and have a simple plan to follow; but then I actually try and do it and I always fail miserably :( My main problem is binging at night. I can usually keep myself busy or out of the house for most of the day, but then i'll come home at night and I go on a total food freakout and it's like i'm not even controlling my body anymore. I hate it. I hate this cycle i'm trapped in.

Ok so this is what i'm going to do. I will burn at least 800 calories everyday. And since it's winter break, I am going to try swimming and spinning with my mom, to break up my normal routine. And I will stay out of the house as much as possible. But what i'm going to change is that I will start eating dinner with my family. And then I will spend the remainder of the evening with them, that way I will not be able to binge. I will just have to force myself to go to bed when everyone else does though. I think alot of my mother's meals are around 500 calories, so it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Hopefully this plan will also keep my metabolism from totally crashing as well. And if my mom makes something too fattening or whatever, i'll just make myself a meal, but still eat with the rest of the family. Plus, this plan will keep my parents off my back about not eating. I just have to be very careful to follow this plan to a "T"...

I'm scared.. But I know I can do it. I just have to burn off another 400 calories today without my parents noticing and i'll still have a 1000 calorie defecit for the day.. Ugh.. why is life so complicated?

So, today begins my journey to thinness. Day one of weight loss and already i'm struggling. But I know I can do it. Last week, I ate barely anything for four straight days, but then on sunday, we went with some friends to look for a Christmas tree out in the woods, and of course, we had to eat. I ate half of an omelet and a muffin for breakfast.. and I would have been ok if I had just stopped there, but when we got home, I went crazy. I stuffed myself. And I just felt sick. I pretty much undid everything I had accomplished the previous week. And the rest of the week went the same way. I just kept craving fatty, sugary foods and I felt totally out of control. SO here I am a week later and I can't even get myself to step on the scale. I know the number will be awful. And the worst part is that I've threw up twice this week. I hate that. I hate feeling so disgustingly full that I have to make myself sick to feel ok again. And what's worse is that I'm getting better at it. I can do it almost silently now. I never wanted to become a bulimic. I'm not trying to look down on bulimia or anything, but honestly, it scares me. I've had friends who've almost died from heart failure or ruptured esophogus. And that really isnt how i want to go. And besides, it hurts to make myself sick. I'd really rather just starve. So for the next two days i'm going to pretend I have the flu and just STAY IN MY ROOM. And it sucks so bad because I was supposed to go to a Christmas party tomorrow night, but now I can't because i'm too fat and I just can't allow myself to consume anymore food... I had told myself that if I didn't eat during finals that I would be allowed to go, but now I can't.. this stupid disease is controlling my life..

And on top of it all, we're going to go visit my uncle next Sunday, and of course, we'll be gone for about four days, so who knows how much weight i'll gain during that time. That's why I have to lock myself in my room for the next two days so I can detox from sugar and carbs and just get back on track already... I have to lose as much as possible by the time we leave so i'm not completely grotesque by the time school starts back up again... God, fuck my life.

Ok where was I.. O yeah, so, best summer of my life right? Well actually not so much.. Marcus was.. a busy guy. He worked full time, had his own place..and was also seeing another girl all summer. Yeah. Great. And I only found that out 3 days before he was leaving for college.. And the only reason I found out was that he got in a motorcycle accident.. with her on the bike with him :(

What a GREAT way to start my senior year, right? All the plans, dreams, hopes and desires I had were flushed down the drain with one phone call. Honestly, I had never been more devastated. I really thought this guy liked me, and then he did THIS. I couldn't even began to fathom it.. And, stupid STUPID girl that I was, I still wanted to be with him.. and although a bunch of drama followed, and although he treated me like dirt.. like the backup, I still clung to the hope that he would change his mind and choose me.

So, slowly, the first two months of school dragged by.. I wasn't happy, by ANY means. In fact, I know I was barely making it through.. It was so hard for me to stay motivated to do anything. I was so depressed, and so...apathetic. I think it was the apathy that truly made those first few months truly unbearable. I had no desire to live. At all. I didn't care about my grades. I didn't care about my friends. I didn't care about myself. All I wanted was to disappear.. But the worst part was that I couldn't even bring myself to starve.

Anorexia has always been my way out.. It's my wall of protection; my fortress. It keeps me safe and offers a way of escape.. But instead of starving in the face of my pain, I ate. And ate and ate and ate. I thought that maybe it would be worth it to try to just be normal.. to eat a healthy diet and give up the eating disorder once and for all. I actually thought I could do it.. Ha! What a fool. I was naive enough to believe that I would be able to give up this disease that has plagued me since I was in eighth grade!? Yeah fucking right! I grew so disgusted with myself and my body that I was drowning. Literally DROWNING in hatred for who I had allowed myself to become. A fat slob. A pathetic, desperate low life who didn't deserve to live.

And that's when Marcus came back, and played his best cards to win me back. O how he swooned me with words of regret and pity. He swore he could change and that he just needed a chance to prove it. He promised me the stars, and once again, I believed it. I let him back in, with barely a second thought.

Looking back, I think letting him have that second chance, really was what I needed.. However misguided and naive the decision was, it was something that I had to go through.. I needed to see the relationship all the way through.. to see what could have been. And, honestly, the whole experience has truly changed me. As you could probably tell, it didn't work out between Marcus and I. But now I can finally see all the mistakes I made.. and all of the lies I so blindly believed. Marcus's true colors were finally revealed, and I truly had to see that in order to completely let him go.

I've grown so much as a person. Even just looking at old pictures of myself from this past summer, I totally can't even recognize the person staring back at me.. Even when I had Marcus, I wasn't truly happy. I wasn't truly living. But when he betrayed me the way that he did; when he tore out my heart and spit on everything I had given him, it was only the catalyst that set everything in motion. The rift I found in my life had been festering and growing for months.. But it only took one stupid boy to get me to finally see it.

After Marcus and I were finally finished; and I mean finished, I was actually ok.. I didn't freak out or get super depressed or just give up like I had back in August. Sure, I wasn't happy about it, but I finally saw what a COMPLETE asshole he was, and I the anger I felt towards him is what truly severed every emotional tie that held me to him. I think I'm a much stronger person now. Or at the very least, I'm not as naive and inexperienced. I made a TON of mistakes during this whole experience.. I told so many lies, created enemies, lost friends.. Right now, i'm just trying to rebuild my life. Or at least come back to a place where i'm able to function. I've been focusing alot on myself, but i've also been trying to hang out with some healthier people.. or at least people who have some backbone and at least SOME credibility.

I think my biggest problem right now, is that i've become incredible guarded.. I suppose it's fairly reasonable after all the lies and manipulation from my relationship with Marcus. But, it's like, I have very little faith in people in general.. I've been screwed over by so many people in my life.. Even the ones who claimed to always be there, to always love you and never hurt you.. Well, my friends, my family, my relationships.. they've all left me with nothing.. nothing but scars. I've always been a very forgiving and trusting person.. but I just can't even fathom being able to do that anymore..

You know the one thing I want out of life? It isn't money, it isn't stuff.. I know none of that will ever bring true happiness.. all I want is to find that ONE person who will accept me for who I am.. all my flaws, quirks and problems.. and just love me. That's all I want. I'm just starting to wonder if that person is even out there for me. I know i'm young. I have alot of life ahead of me.. but, it's hard when you have friends left and right already in steady relationships, or even already starting families.. I want that. I want a family and a life with the one person who makes me happy. But is that guy out there? I know that now, after all i've been through, he's gonna have to be one heck of persistent guy. With lots of patience and determination.. and he better be up for one HECK of a challenge.. Cuz he's gonna have to dig through alot of shit to figure me out.. But hey, maybe that's what I need to do. It's time for me to stop chasing, and finallly let someone chase after me.

Hello!
So, I created this blog a long time ago, but hopefully now i'll actually be able to start posting consistantly.

Man.. Where to start? Well, this week is finals week and i'm writing my blog instead of studying.. Says alot about my work ethic I guess. But actually, I am usually a very good student. I'm definitely a perfectionist, which, I guess adds even more to my predisposition to expect perfection in every aspect of my life.. and that includes anorexia.

I've been struggling alot this year. At the end of May this year, I was down to 100 pounds, which was the lowest i'd been in over a year. However, over the summer I gained around eight pounds.. It's not like I had given up the anorexia.. I never wanted to. I enjoyed being thin and seeing bones and having people ask if I was alright.. But I met a boy. Let's call him Marcus. Marcus was a year older than me in school (though only 2 months older than me biologically) and we only had one class together. I had had a crush on him the entire year. He rode a motorcycle, he was smart, funny, artistic and dangerous.. and incredible hot. But it was only a crush, so I never pursued it. In fact, you could almost say I ignored him. He would sometimes try to talk to me but I always kept the conversations short and to the point. Afterall, why would a cool, hot, popular senior boy want to talk to a lowly junior? I knew it was a lost cause so I kept my wall up and just focused on me.

Finally during the last month of school (when I was hovering between 100 and 105 pounds), we began to really talk. We worked on a project together and he definitely showed an interest, which I still don't understand. He wanted to go out for coffee, and I pretty much kept putting it off. Even when I didn't text him back for a week, he was persistant and still wanted to hang out, so I finally decided to give him a chance...

I was so nervous before the date.. He was picking me up, but I was totally freaking out that we would have nothing to talk about or that it would just be totally awkward.. Or even worse, that I would end up liking him but he wouldn't like me... So I told him I had to be home by 10:30; just in case. So he took me for coffee, and then to this beautiful park on a hill where we could see the entire city.. It was gorgeous, and I had a great time. We just.. clicked.

I didn't see him for a few weeks after that, but we ended up hanging out again. And again. And again.. And there was never a time that we hung out when I didn't have a completely amazing time. I liked him alot.. and, stupid me, I believed that he liked me too. After the first few times we hung out, we began holding hands, and then he kissed me.. he took me for motorcycle rides, he invited me to his house.. I met his mom..

I had the best summer of my life. And for some reason, my weight became, insignificant.. Never before had I met a person that I actually WANTED to be better for.. Even with my first love, (we'll call him Shane), I was never able to even attempt to give up the disease.. But with Marcus it was different.. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be able to give him everything.. I wasn't able to completely, but at the very least, it wasn't in complete control of my life..

To be continued